Toxic Performance

A month ago, I left my machine learning role at Amazon to join a startup with a friend I met on x [dot] com. Here are some things regarding performance that I've learned in this new season of my life.

Life can't be all about providing value

Performance reviews are not a sustainable metric for life outside of work. During Thanksgiving weekend, I found myself feeling meaningless because I wasn't working and providing value at my startup. It prompted me to pry into the other areas of my life like my relationship, my family, and my hobbies. Upon doing so, I realized that I only really feel happy when I am performing well in worldly standards across all of these different areas of my life.

Am I being a good boyfriend and providing?

Am I being a good son to my hard working parents?

Am I playing guitar better than most people?

These are important questions to ask once in a while, perhaps during yearly reviews, but I find myself asking these questions everyday. As a result, on days where I'm supposed to be resting I feel down and end up feeling more tired than a monday morning.

Be a high achiever. Be great. But do not try to perform your way through life. That's a sure fire way to burnout and unhappiness.

The solution?

I can't say that I've found the perfect solution to this existential problem. What I do know is that life isn't some circus act where I have to constantly balance myself on a tight rope in front of my peers, family, and friends. The best thing I can do right now is remind myself that I have more to my identity than just performing well, and hopefully you can do the same for yourself as the holiday season continues to put a dent on our productivity.